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For Those With Pets

20 Dec
For Those With Pets

 

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.             
                                                                           
Dear Dogs and Cats,                                                       
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other 
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in  
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming    
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the      
slightest.                                                                
                                                                           
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall  
faster than you can run.                                                  
                                                                           
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about 
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your   
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It 
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and 
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but 
sarcasm.                                                                  
                                                                           
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by    
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door ! shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door 
I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or     
feline attendance is not required.                                        
                                                                           
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I 
cannot stress this enough!                                                
                                                                           
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our   
front door:                                                               
                                                                           
To All Non-Pe t Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:       
1. They live here. You don’t.                                             
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  
That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.                                      
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.                   
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.               
                                                                           
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:                
1. Eat less                                                               
2. Don’t ask for money all the time                                       
3 Are easier to train                                                     
4. Normally come when called                                              
5. Never ask to drive the car                                             
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends                                 
7. Don’t smoke or drink                                                   
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions                                  
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes                                        
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and…                    
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.                    

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Posted by on December 20, 2007 in Pets

 

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